inspired by Grandma Hodges
Holy crap! its definitely 4:07 in the morning and I am just starting a new post?! What am I thinking? well, I will tell you. I am thinking about my family, my "career" choice, my class that I have to go to in 6 hours, my promises, my hypocrisy, and the fact that a simple song can cause so many emotions to jump up inside you that you want hide in shame and run outside shouting for attention all at the same time.
Why am I thinking all these things? Well, its kind of a long story...but I guess that that is what a blog is for right?
My granddad died on my 16th birthday. Now, I am not trying to take anything away from anyone who has lost a grandparent, but my granddad and I, well, we were close! He was like a second dad to me, taught me to catch/clean/cook fish, drive a manual transmission, tell racist jokes, cook on a grill, use most power tools, and most importantly he taught me that there are only two things that matter in this life
1)God
2)Family
In my eyes this was not just a man. this was the man that would give you his last pair of socks so your feet would be warm, a man that would sell everything he owned if it meant being able to give you something you needed. His death shook my faith completely shattered everything I had believed in. like hard core too! I completely went from Christian with no questions, to Atheist with every question in the book being thrown up at the slightest mention of anything having to do with involving religion. (and I remained that way for about two years until I came to Sterling college but thats another story!) It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, say goodbye to the man who was in every way the role model for a great Godly man!
(I am not going to say more about what a wonderful man he was because I am going to start crying and then I wont be able to finish this post, but just know that I miss him more than anything in this world and I can't wait to see him again!)
But, while granddad was alive he bought 43 acres of land out side of town on the river. This land has become synonymous with his memory for me (as well as much of the family) we had so many good times out there with him that i couldn't count all of them even if I wanted to. and since he has passed on we have continued to share in making amazing memories out there at "The Property" as it has so lovingly become known.
Recently my grandma has come onto some very hard times and is having to sell the property. Basically it is tearing my family apart all over again, half of the family is in support and half of them are dead against the decision. We are so emotionally tied to this plot of ground and the memories it holds that seeing it leave the family will be a lot like having granddad die all over again. When I first heard this news all I could think was "Why would she let the family suffer all over again?!" I even found myself saying "If she sells that land she will lose a grandson with it!" I was so mad and full of despair and anger that I wouldn't allow myself to think about anything else besides how I hated every member of the family that supported this decision. So the other day I went over to my grandmas house to tell her just how I felt and tell her that the selling of that property would be "the end of our family" and "a desecration to the memory of granddad".
I walked from the college to her house (she lives aprox. 1 block away) and I walked around her house four times, trying to get my thoughts straight and decided just what to say to hurt her the most and get her to change her mind for fear of breaking apart the family. but as i finished my fourth lap and approached the back door, I stopped. I turned towards the road beside her house and as I watched the cars pass by I did something that I had not done since this whole ordeal began...I prayed. I have no clue where the words came from because they were the farthest things from my tongue, but I asked God to show me her side, to allow me to be open and understanding and to not say anything that I would late regret. Now, this did not make me any less mad and I was still planning on following thru with everything I set out to do. but after I finished praying I heard the door behind me open up and I hear my grandma say "Hey there mister!" just like she always does. I made it about three steps inside the house before I broke down in tears, all she did was walk over to me and wrap me up in her arms. Her arms seemed to completely understand everything I wanted to say and and everything I felt. We sat down and I honestly couldn't say a word, I don't know if it was the sobbing or the Holy Spirit, but something bit my tongue and let my grandma talk for fifteen minutes straight about the whole situation. She said that all she wanted out this was what God wanted out of it. She reminded me of all the good that we saw come from granddads passing and most importantly she reminded me that the property was nothing but a material possession, an unnecessary thing, something that is awesome to have and great to remember all the good times we had with it, but in the end it was nothing but a thing.
I really reminded me of the man named Joseph from the book of Acts. In Acts we see the beginnings of the early church and complete reliance on God that I want for my life. The total rejection of materialism and focus on spreading of God's love. Anyways, so we read about this guy named Joseph and how he literally sells his field and gives all the money to the apostles to distribute among the needy. I have always loved this short story (literally only 3 verses long!) and I love the selfless act of love and generosity, but I had never thought of it from Jo's perspective before. I mean he could have been no different than me. perhaps someone that he loved dearly purchased that land and it had been handed down several generations in his family. Or maybe this "field" is where he lived, or grew crops to make a living. This field could have been (and I firmly believe it was, I mean why else would this random guy get three verses in the Bible when it says that other people were doing it too?!) as important to Jo and The Property is to me.
I have complete peace about this situation now, and I am praying that it spreads to the rest of the family. (but any prayers are appreciated!) I think that God is beginning something big in my life. I honestly feel His strong calling to the mission field and I feel like He is helping me to learn to let go of all the STUFF in this life. The unnecessary things that we hold to such high standards and get in the way of our ultimate goal: the spreading of Christ's love and the gift of salvation to every corner of this earth!
vənt